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Help with French song?

 
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minipopins
Chromosome d'académicien
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Joined: 13 Jan 2016
Posts: 3

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PostPosted: Wed 13 Jan 2016 18:09    Post subject: Help with French song?  Reply with quote

Bonjour!

I wrote a song in French that I want to make sure is correct grammatically.
Can someone proficient help me with this?

Here it is in English:

Overshadowed

verse 1:
What is your name?
It sounds familiar
I was a young girl when I saw you
chorus:
when the rain lands
I'll be here inside
when it all settles down
I'll be up in the clouds
verse 2:
I didn't want you
but now I do
sometimes the truth is overshadowed

Here it is French (the best I could do!)

Eclipse

verse 1
Comment tu t'appelle
cela semble familar
I'etait une jeune fille
quand je vous ai vu

chorus:
Quand la pluie atterit je serai la
Quand il tous les arrete je serai dans la nuages

verse 2
je ne veux pa que vous
mais maintenant je fais
parfois la verite est eclipse

Thanks in advance for any corrections!
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Tincho75
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Joined: 15 Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Location: Rosario

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PostPosted: Wed 13 Jan 2016 19:47    Post subject: I hope this helps  Reply with quote

Hi, minipopins.
I´m from argentina so I´m not either french nor english native speaker, but I´m a french teacher and I´ve worked several years in Customer Service for an american company.
I think I could accurately understand what you were trying to say.
If you are not satisfied or need more help, just let me know.
Are you a musician? Who is the song dedicated to?

verse 1
Comment tu t'appelles
cela semble familial
J'etais une jeune fille
quand je vous ai vu --> That´s ok, but if you want to be colloquial you can use quand je t´ai vu

chorus:
Quand la pluie atterrit je serai là
Next you mean when the rain stops? Several options
Quand la pluie cesse = when the rain stops
Quand tout soit calme = when everything calms down
Quand tout soit en place = When everything is in place
Je serais dans les nuages

verse 2
je ne veux pa que vous --> This means "all I want is you"
Je ne te voulais pas or Je ne t´aimais pas
mais maintenant je le fais
parfois la vérité est éclipsé

Regards!
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minipopins
Chromosome d'académicien
Chromosome d'académicien


Joined: 13 Jan 2016
Posts: 3

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PostPosted: Wed 13 Jan 2016 22:00    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Hi Tincho75!

Thank you so much for your help! I am so appreciative. Now my song will hopefully make sense Smile

The song is about my husband... we met when we were young, lost touch, reconnected 4 years ago and got married in October of last year. The song also touches on the ironies and synchronicities we experience in life. It's for my music project called Bridges (I am a singer-songwriter).

Thanks again! Blessings to you. xo
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PourQueViveLeQC
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Joined: 19 May 2015
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Location: Laval

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PostPosted: Wed 10 Feb 2016 04:09    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Hi. I don't want to seem rude but your translations aren't linguistically correct despite reassurance from the other reply to this post. As a native speaker, I've tweaked them so that they sound proper.

Comment tu t'appelles
Ton nom me semble familier
J'étais une jeune fille quand je t'ai vu (you should keep all forms of "you" in one form. 'Tu' or 'vous' it's up to you but you should stay consistent)

Quand la pluie tombe (one would not typically say "when the rain lands" unless you were talking about a drop landing on something specific. Instead we would say "when the rain falls)
Je serai là
Quand tout se calme
Je serai là-haut dans les nuages

Je ne te voulais pas
Mais maintenant je te veux ("je fais" is a literal translation of the english "i do" but it is not correct french in this context. The fixed line literally translates to "but now I want you." Another way to say this line could be "mais je te veux désormais" or "but I want you now.")
Parfois la vérité est éclipsée

Hope this helps. PS I am also a musician.
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minipopins
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Joined: 13 Jan 2016
Posts: 3

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PostPosted: Thu 16 Jun 2016 01:06    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Thank you!
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